


Where In The Galaxy Is Hoshi Sato?

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-28
Updated: 2006-03-28
Packaged: 2018-08-15 16:56:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8064622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Parody of 2.10 "Vanishing Point." (03/21/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

### On the set of _Raiders of the Lost Ark_

Hoshi: These are at least 300 years older than in the last chamber...

Trip: You sure you can't read any of this?

Hoshi: Nope. How 'bout you?

Trip: What, _I_ have to do it now? What kind of linguist are you?

Hoshi: Linguists don't care about hieroglyphics.

Trip: Well, I think this one is a curse on anyone who takes pictures of it.

Hoshi: Ooh, get a shot of it!

Trip: It's too bad we didn't bother to bring a digital camera with us. Now we have to wait until we get back to Earth to develop this.

Hoshi: I wonder what happened to them.

Trip: Maybe they got killed off by a wild thunderstorm.

Archer (over com): Hey, guess what? There's a wild thunderstorm coming your way!

Trip (shrieks like little girl): Okay, Cap'n. We'll be right up.

T'Pol: Captain. We have another storm.

Archer: Another one?

T'Pol: That's why I said "another."

Archer: Well, lookie that.

Reed: They're diamagnetic storms. Saturated with polaric energy.

Archer: Does that mean forks will stick to the hull of the pod?

Reed: Either that, or they won't be able to polarize the hull plating.

Archer: Cause it'll already _be_ polarized! Hah!

_Back to the planet:_

Trip: Whoa, those are like tornadoes or som'un.

Archer: So you see, you have to come back now.

Hoshi (disappointed): Aww! I wanted to try to survive the big storm down here! Hey! Why don't we go hide in the ruins?

Archer: That's a great idea, but I'd rather try out the risky transporter. I've sent Malcolm down to the transporter room. He'll try it out himself first. You'll see him down there in a minute.

Hoshi: Couldn't we, like, NOT do the riskiest thing possible?

Archer: Nope! Get ready. Wel'll go one at a time so someone might get left behind. Decide which of you is more valuable to the ship.

Trip: Hey, what's gonna happen to the pod if it's such a destructive storm?

Archer: I don't know. Maybe we'll just leave it there. Hurry!

Trip: So, which of us is more important?

Hoshi: I don't know. I don't really want to go through it. I thought they said transporters were for non-people only.

Trip: The Captain went through it and he's fine. Right?

Hoshi: Yeah, but what if I get split into my "good" half and "evil" half?

Trip: Your "evil" half? Is that the part that says bad words in Klingon?

Hoshi: Oh, yeah, one of us should be going now.

Trip: Woll, your job can be done by a computer, so I'll go.

Hoshi: Let me know if you survive it.

Trip: I'll even let you know if I don't survive itâ€”at least one o' my molecules'll still be down here! (beams up)

Hoshi (talking to thin air): Commander?

Trip (over com): Oops. Som'un happened to my eyes. And my...um, never mind what.

Hoshi (frightened): What?

Trip: Just kiddin'. Come on.

Hoshi (beaming aboard): Hey, I'm alive. I thought I'd be in grave danger.

Reed: Nope. We decided against the suspenseful teaser this week.

### Act 1: Failure

_Hoshi's Quarters, which look exactly like everyone else's quarters:_

Hoshi (looking into mirror): Wow. I never realized how pretty I am. Hey, wait. That's not a pimple, is it? (door chimes) Come in!

Archer (disappointed): Oh. I was hoping you'd be naked.

Hoshi: I'll be ready in a minute.

Archer (conspiratorially): Are you sure you wouldn't rather...stay here?

Hoshi: No, sir.

Archer: So, it'll be fun going back down with Trip tomorrow, won't it?

Hoshi: Say what?

Archer: To the planet. You were going to finish whatever you were doing, right?

Hoshi: Um...

Archer: You need to retrieve Shuttlepod 13, er, One.

Hoshi: What happens if the second one gets stuck down there, too?

Archer: _Then_ we'd send you in the transporter.

Hoshi: I don't want to get lost...

Archer: Lost? You are lost. In fact, you're just dreaming about me visiting you. In your robe. At night...

Hoshi: I _am_? Whoa. Weird. Good night.

_Mess hall:_

Reed: So _she_ said, "That's _not_ my warp core!" (everyone laughs)

Hoshi: Is anyone sitting here?

Travis: Are you kidding? A _Vulcan_?

Hoshi: Hey! Boys? Aren't you mesmerized by my beauty?

Trip: What? Oh. Hi. Yeah, siddown. (looks at her more closely) Ya know, you got a pimple, right...(points) there.

Hoshi: _That_ was unsettling.

Reed: What, the joke? Sorry.

Hoshi: No, the transporter.

Trip (stuffing his face): Oh, yeah. Horwible. Lost mah appetite.

Hoshi: I can see that. I don't feel right.

Trip: Well, it was prob'ly the storm. You don't forget that kinda thing quickly.

Hoshi: But you _do_ forget a transport quickly?

Trip: A what? Anyway, remember that ol' story about Cyrus Ramsey?

Hoshi: Who? (everyone groans)

Trip: Don't tell me you've never heard of him! It's like I just made him up or som'un!

Hoshi: What's the story? Morning glory?

Trip: Well, it was, like, way back in 2146...

Hoshi: Wasn't that just five years ago?

Trip: Oh. Yeah. So, this guy died in a transporter accident?

Hoshi (waiting): And?

Trip: That's it. That's the story.

Hoshi: Oh. (pauses) You'd think my imagination could come up with more horrible details than that.

Travis: Hey, let's go do something manly together!

Reed: Yeah, no girls allowed!

Archer (over com): You can take Travis down to see the ruins. And fly back.

Travis: Whoo-hoo!

Reed: Can I come too?

Trip: Hey, why the hell not? (all leave)

Hoshi: Well, that's depressing.

_Sickbay:_

Hoshi: Hey, where's the doctor? Is he ignoring me, too? Doctor!

Phlox (appearing suddenly behind her like in a horror flick): Hi.

Hoshi: AHH! Oh. You're not a killer. Where were you?

Phlox: I was in the back, feeding the kitties.

Hoshi: Didn't you hear me shout your name?

Phlox: No. I heard you shout "Doctor." That's not my name. Are you feeling all right?

Hoshi: No. I went through the transporter and got all wiggy. So, no...I'm not feeling well.

Phlox: That's nice. Did you come to pet the kitties?

Hoshi: No, I came because my molecules are falling apart.

Phlox: Oh, you're just being obsessive-compulsive. Worrying about everything...Let's check. (pauses for one-half second) Yep. Everything's fine.

Hoshi (points to face): What about this?

Phlox: Oh, you have a blemish? I can clear that up, no problem.

Hoshi: Well, this pimple used to be lower. What does that mean?

Phlox (dismissively): It means you'll die. Now, I have a lot of animals to feed before bedtime, so go away.

Hoshi: I thought you only slept once a year.

Phlox: Hey, it's _your_ dream. You figure out the continuity.

_Hoshi's Quarters:_

T'Pol: Wake up! There's an emergency!

Hoshi: Huh? Where am I?

T'Pol: You're late for work. You get detention.

_Bridge:_

Hoshi: Hi, sorry, Captain. I was...sleeping.

Archer (accusingly): Trip and Travis have been taken hostage. The people didn't like you disturbing their ruins.

Hoshi: Taken hostage? Now, I really _hope_ this is a dream, cause this is way too ridiculous otherwise!

Archer: It's all your fault!

Hoshi: My fault? You gave the orders!

T'Pol: Those were sacred ruins, rather than just worthless ruins that everyone had forgotten about.

Hoshi: Really? How do you know?

T'Pol: I asked them.

Hoshi (hearing beep): Hey, it's Mayweather's communicator.

"Travis" (over com): Bargle snee ahhs! Korky plah!

Archer: That doesn't sound like Travis.

"Travis": Slinko dinko dingo! Pfakuli!

Hoshi (panicked): It's not working!

T'Pol (annoyed): What's _your_ problem?

Hoshi: Imagine that! For once, the UT doesn't _magically_ work!

Reed: Just talk to them! It worked in the second episode! You've figured out enough in 20 seconds, right?

Hoshi: Actually, that would be why the UT _doesn't_ _work_!

Archer: Yeah, whatever, just go back to bed.

Hoshi (breaking down): I don't know _why_ I can't understand! I'm pathetic!

Archer: Yes, you are. (to guy in corner) Hey, you! Take the com.

Guy in corner (looking up, bewildered): Huh? Okay!

Archer: Malcolm, let's go kick some ass!

Reed (happily): Aye, sir!

Hoshi leaves, depressed.

### Act 2: Fading Away

_Hoshi's Quarters:_

Hoshi: La de da, I'll just get naked nowâ€”hey, where am I? Oh, there, behind all the steam. (gets in shower) What's that shadow behind the curtain? Is itâ€”AHHHHHHHH! It's a guy with a knife! Oh, well, at least he can't see me because I'm turning invisible!

_Mess hall:_

Hoshi: Wow. It seems like all I do is eat. No wonder I was obsessed with cooking, if this is what I dream about. (walks up to empty table) Anyone sitting here? No? I guess I'm the only invisible person. OK. (sits) Oh, hi, T'Pol, didn't notice you there.

T'Pol: Greetings. I was engrossed in a book. Grisham. Ever read him?

Hoshi: I thought there was a hostage situation...

T'Pol: Oh, _that_. Yeah, we solved that off-camera. The real hostage situation comes in sweeps. Ensign Whatever decrypted the language easilyâ€”a simple bimodal syntax.

Hoshi: What? Language is never that simple! You're treating it like a math equation! [A/N: Sorry, a little of my own anthro background seeping in!]

T'Pol: Obviously, you couldn't figure it own because you're pathetic.

Hoshi: I am?

T'Pol: That's what I think of you.

_Around the ship:_

Hoshi: Everyone's ignoring me. It's as if I'm turning invisible and ceasing to exist!

Voices: The stream's too unstable! One, two...

Hoshi: And now I'm hearing voices again.

_Sickbay:_

Hoshi: Can you see me?

Phlox: What?

Hoshi: Okay, you can't hear me. But can you see me?

Phlox: Is there something in particular you'd like me to look at?

Hoshi (taking offense): Don't be a pervert. I think I'm turning invisible or going crazy.

Phlox: Have you considered that you're dreaming this?

Hoshi: Nobody wants to talk to me. I think they don't even see me.

Phlox: That's funny. Ensign Mayweather came to me with precisely the same problem. He said he had to die to get attention. Even then, it was a stretch...

Hoshi: Okay, let's get back to me. I mean, jeez, you'd think the guys would be crawling all over me, what with that I'm about the only woman around.

Phlox (conspiratorially): There's something you should know about some of your crewmates...

Hoshi: You know, I think it's the transporter.

Phlox: Oh, don't worry about that. It works just fine. But heyâ€”I wouldn't be caught dead in that death trap!

Hoshi: Maybe you would be.

Phlox: Well, you look fine to me. The spleen goes on the right side, right?

Hoshi: I don't know. You're the doctor.

Phlox: Then that's a yes. Let me give you some meds.

Hoshi: No! No pills, man! What's up with doctors overmedicating patients? The last thing I need is to be medicated now!

Phlox: I wasn't talking about dropping acid. Well, come by in the morning, hmm?

Hoshi: I will, if I'm still ALIVE!

_The room with the funny twirly space-man machine:_

Trip: Whoo, I'm dizzy!

Hoshi: Were you tortured or anything?

Trip: Yeah, the Cap'n made me get in this thing for breaking the shuttlepod.

Hoshi: No, I mean on the surface. The hostage thing?

Trip: Oh, that. Yeah, they forced us to have sex with beautiful women. It was horrible.

Hoshi: I can imagine. Sorry I didn't go with you and get abducted, too.

Trip: That's okay. You woulda hated it.

Hoshi: So, have you felt okay since we've been back?

Trip: Well, considerin' I've gone back down to the surface, been kidnapped, held for ransom, then set free, yeah, it's been a pretty typical day. Why do you ask?

Hoshi: I haven't been myself. I've felt more like Travis. The doctor thinks I'm loony. And my hands do special see-through tricks.

Trip: That happened to me once. Or did it? Maybe that's still comin' up. (gets off twirly machine) You should avoid this thing. It's makin' me woozy.

Hoshi: What's the point of it, anyway?

Trip: Som'un to do with gravity.

Hoshi: Our ship has artificial gravity.

Trip: Whatever.

Hoshi: Well, Phlox thinks I'm fine, anyway.

Trip: You know, I bet in the future, there'll be characters who don't like transporters.

Hoshi: I just feel like I got put together wrong. Do I look any different?

Trip: Uh, you don't look fat if that's what you're askin'.

Hoshi: Well, I wasn't, but I'm glad you said so.

Trip: So, uh. You wanna go crawl into bed now?

Hoshi: _What?_

Trip: Hey, it's _your_ dream, not mine. (leaves)

Hoshi: Crap. My hands are falling through stuff again. AHH! I'm invisible! _And_ I can't touch anything! Amazing, though, how I manage to stay spatially oriented with the ship!

### Act 3: Okay, She's Invisible. And Dead.

Hoshi: I've been trapped in this room all night, because I can't work the door control, because I can walk through stuff!

Trip: Woll, she was here last night. I thought maybe she woulda slept here.

Hoshi: I did! Can't you hear me?

Archer (over com): Have you found her?

T'Pol: No. Have you?

Archer: Yeah, actually. I was just asking you out of curiosity.

Trip: She's not here.

Hoshi: Yeah, she is. I mean, I is.

Trip: I'll go look in the engines. Maybe she hid out there.

_Sickbay:_

Phlox: She came twice since that storm thing the other day.

Archer: Wasn't feeling well?

Phlox: Actually, I thought maybe it was because she's in love with me. I don't understand human behavior very well. It was the first time she transported, you were aware?

T'Pol: Far too aware.

Phlox: She was convinced her molecules were coming apart. Take a look at this.

Hoshi: Hi. I'm just sittin' back here, hoping someone will mention me. I'll see what they really think! I wonder how come I can sit on this counter when I normally fall through stuff.

Archer: Uh...you're asking me to interpret?

Phlox: To put it simply, so you can understand, her molecules are coming apart.

Hoshi: Ha! I'm right! Eat that, Johnny!

_Transporter room:_

Trip: It's the secondary phase coils or som'un. Musta happened right after I beamed up. Boy, was _I_ lucky.

T'Pol: She is losing molecular cohesion.

Archer: Well. How 'bout that?

Trip: I told her to go first, but she wouldn't listen. It shoulda been me!

Archer: Well, then, when you think about it, this is her fault, right?

T'Pol: You _are_ more valuable to the ship.

Phlox: And she _was_ getting a bit whiny, wasn't she?

Hoshi: Wow. They really love me.

Archer: See what went wrong. Starfleet told me this wasn't supposed to happen. "Oh, sure!" they said. "It's fine, don't worry about it!" Try to find Hoshi.

Phlox: Actually, you shouldn't look for Hoshi. You should look for a little pile of goo. That's all that's left.

Hoshi: Wait! I'm right here! You just can't see or hear me, as if I'm a hologram! Wait. Maybe I'm a ghost!

Archer (to T'Pol): Have the doctor help you recalibrate the sensors.

T'Pol: Doctor, help me recalibrate the sensors. (to Archer) Why didn't you ask him yourself? He's right over there.

Archer: Oh, that's right. (presses com button)

Travis (cheerfully): Yes?

Archer: Prepare to break orbit and continue our long and lonely journey.

Travis: Hot diggity!

Archer walks through Hoshi and leaves

Hoshi: Whoa! Gooshie, center me on Sam!

_Somewhere in the bowels of the ship:_

Trip: So, is it her?

Phlox: I don't know. What do you think?

Hoshi: Nope. I'm right here.

Trip: What'd she come in this outta-the-way shaft for?

Hoshi: I was following you guys.

Voices: Booyah krikey!

Hoshi: Hey, more voices!

Trip: Here's a little glob of toothpaste. Do you think it's her?

Phlox: I suppose her parents will want it. Although they might say, "What's this? Why do they send us goo through the mail?"

Trip: You go ahead. I'm gonna stay here and talk to the wall for a minnit.

Phlox (looking at him like he's nuts): I understand. (leaves)

Hoshi: I'm right here, you can talk to me!

Trip: Man, what was I thinkin', leaving you down there? I told you we'd be safe!

Hoshi: Well, obviously, you were wrong!

Trip: Now look what you've done.

Hoshi: What _I've_ done?! You're the one who broke the transporter!

Trip: And to top it off, I never told you I'm in love!

Hoshi: He loves me?

Trip:...with T'Pol.

Aliens talking (I'm getting sick of making up words)

Hoshi: Hey, these aliens are talking about doing something bad! Should I confront them, or panic, or what?

### Act 4: What The Hell?

_Ready room:_

Hoshi: Captain! The ship's in danger! Aliens from another dimension, or possibly that uninhabited planet, are trying to blow us up! Can't you hear me?!

Guy (over com): We've located her father.

Archer: Oh. Damn. What do I say? Put him through.

[ _A/N: The conversation with the father is in itself a parody, isn't it? I don't know if it's supposed to be badly written or what._ ]

Hoshi's Father: Captain Archer. Is everything all right?

Archer: Actually, no. Um...how's the weather? We had an accident with out transporting device.

Hoshi's Father: What's that?

Archer: It's a device...that transports.

Hoshi: Did I mention there were aliens? Destroying the ship?

Hoshi's Father: So...why are you telling me?

Archer: Obviously your daughter didn't get her communication skills from you.

Hoshi's Father: Daughter? I have a daughter?

Archer: Not anymore.

Hoshi's Father: Not anymore? What does that mean?

Hoshi: Maybe he'll notice if I wiggle my fingers in front of his face.

Archer: Do you even understand _English_?

Hoshi's Father: Listen, how about you call back later? The ball game's on.

Archer (hopefully): Water polo?

Hoshi's Father: No.

Archer: I'm so sorry.

Hoshi's Father (unemotional as a Vulcan): Me too.

Hoshi: How about this! I can make the lights dance!

Archer (notices immediately, which should definitively confirm that this is a dream): Hey, what's that? T'Pol?

Hoshi: Good. Someone will figure this out!

Archer: I never heard that before.

T'Pol: Heard what? It looks like the lights are flickering to me.

Archer (with an epiphany): I think it's Morse Code! SOS!

T'Pol: Who could possibly need help?

Archer: Oh. Good point.

T'Pol: Maybe you should go take a nap.

Archer: Yeah. We'll figure it out tomorrow.

Hoshi: No! Not tomorrow! Figure it out now!

_Wherever it is in the ship that the aliens are doing bad stuff:_

Aliens setting their bombs

Hoshi: Look! There's a bomb on the warp core! They must be setting up dynamite. Let's see if I can magically stop it. I'm going to hide, because no one can see me.

Alien: Hey, our thingies got turned off!

Other alien: Okay, let's set it off and get outta here! Stupid humans. (transport pad appears) Go on.

Hoshi: Crap. What's going on?

Voices: Come on, Hoshi.

Hoshi: Okay. I guess the solution is to jump on this thing!

Reed: Easy as one, two...pie!

Hoshi: Whoa, what's up with your hair? Have I entered a parallel universe? Come on, we have to save the ship!

Trip: What?

Hoshi: You know, the bad aliens that only I knew about?

Reed: Uh...we had a problem with the transporter. You're fine now.

Trip: You were trapped in the pattern buffer. Only for a few seconds.

Hoshi: OH, if that's all!

Reed: Eight point three seconds, to be anally precise.

Hoshi: So you mean I just imagined it all?

Trip: I guess so!

Hoshi: Do you have a mirror?

Reed: As a matter of fact, yes. I carry one in my pocket.

Hoshi: I'm glad I didn't end up like Cyrus Ramsey.

Trip: Cyrus Ramsey? He's the richest guy on the planet! Why wouldn't you want to end up like him?

_Sickbay:_

Hoshi: So all that happened in eight seconds?

Phlox: Wouldn't we all have been happier if it had? [A/N: Actually, I liked this episode.]

Hoshi: Huh.

Archer: You might care that Malcolm is proposing we compress the transporter beam. Cause he's an engineer.

Hoshi: I hope you don't plan on beaming me anywhere soon!

Archer: Ha ha! Beam! You climbed on the platform though, right? So you must like it!

Hoshi: Yeah, so?

Archer: So you overcame your fear! Yippie!

Hoshi: That's the lesson of the day, kidsâ€”learning through hallucinations!

Archer: Let's go to the bridge! (goes to door)

Hoshi: _I_ push the button!


End file.
